Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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