I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
