Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
