Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
