how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
