There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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