Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
