I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
