I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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