I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You can't just leave with hair like that
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
