remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
