i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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