the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
