Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
