Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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