so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
