Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
