i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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