her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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