Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
