My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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