Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
