Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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