i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize