so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
