so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
