I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
