did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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