So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
