So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
