final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
