and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
