dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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