I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
