When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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