Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
