We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
