Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
