Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
