i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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