Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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