theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
