I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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