My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
