I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
