you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
