I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
