pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
