Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
