My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
