i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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