he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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