How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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