thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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